I wrote this list as a handy guide for you to make it through what can be one of the scariest nights of the year unharmed and better off.

If curling up in the fetal position and waiting for daylight while sobbing isn't for you, this will be your map to a happy Halloween. The problem with writing this the day after Halloween though is that it can't be used as a guide to Halloween. Luckily these tips are universal and there's another holiday right around the corner.

With a couple of edits and switch-a-roos I'll save you the trouble of worrying about all the stresses Thanksgiving can bring. Enjoy!



Thanksgiving can be a day filled with joy, candy apples, Bit-o-Honeys, and fun. It can also be a day filled with horror, violence, fire, and rape.

Here are fourteen tips to keep it on the fun side:

1.Protect yourself; you can't depend on the overall goodness of society, and the sanity of most people to keep you rape free on Thanksgiving. Keep a gun at your side, and wear a helmet at all times.

2.If you plan on staying home and handing out candy always assume the people knocking on your door are Satan worshipers. Save yourself the trouble of wondering who you can and cannot trust by lacing all of your candy with poison and eating it. Worrying is something dead people don't do.

3.Don't molest kids; they will appreciate it!

4.If you're going to wear a costume don't forget to ask: Would Jesus approve?

5.If you're going to wear a costume part 2: Just for the Ladies. If you can't see your nipples, I can't see your nipples. Please fix this problem.

6.Don't do number 5

7.Watching scary movies is a great way to get into the Thanksgiving mood... If you're a HOMO.

8.Only set fire to buildings that house organizations you disagree with politically.

9.Light a Holiday Bayberry Yankee candle. You feel better already, don't you.

10.Only pussies go trick or treating. Steal candy from weaker children and then throw eggs at them.

11.If you're a Goth year round you will enjoy Halloween. It will be harder for people who aren't weirdoes to pick you out as the fat ugly kid they wish would just die.

12.Doing drugs will enhance your Thanksgiving experience. Still, keep in mind: Ecstasy's euphoric effects does not = OK to masturbate in public.

13.The more you know

14.Another one for the ladies. It can be hard to tell a persons age when their wearing a costume. If you meet a guy you want to make love to, but aren't sure he's of age, check for pubes. If there's grass on field play ball.


Now go out and have yourself the time of your life!