Producer Joe

Learning to Live in a World Where my Penis Doesn't Show Through my Pants

2010-07-29T01:07:00Z

Posted By: Joe

It's 3:00 A.M. In fifty minutes my phone will blast out the chorus of the old Mexican music I use as my ringtone (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8U9PUHCt444). I feel good though, and think to myself that I should just get up now and head to the studio. I remember thinking this when at 3:50 A.M. my phone does just that. My sleep schedule has been completely ravaged by the massive excursion I returned from four days ago. Any feeling I had that would have made me skip out of bed and head to work bright-eyed fifty minutes ago were left behind and replaced with the words "Fuck me". But wake up I did.

I go through the same routine I've gone through for the last five plus years. I swipe my keycard to get into the lot, swipe my card to get into the building, ride the elevator to our floor, and enter the code to get into the offices. The halls are the same ones that I have been down a billion times, but I am just not here.

The previous night was spent trying to catch up on news, email, and porno. Not enough to make me feel confident that I know what is going on in the real world, but enough to make me sick of news and my couch stainy (gross).

. . .

It's now 5:00 A.M. The show intro is playing. Our voice-over guy announces "It's The Free Beer and Hot Wings Show!" and Kenny Roger's "The Gambler" starts to play. I see Free Beer's hand push the microphone buttons on the board... we're live. "It's Wednesday. This is The Free Beer and Hot Wings Show," he says and immediately goes through roll call. This is followed by Zane's voice. I can tell he's about to go into a story in a way that only he can do, and often does during the first break of the show. It hasn't been that long since I've heard him talk about putting his fist through a family members face, but goddamn, did I miss starting my day off this way. That's all I needed to feel at home again.

It's not that we don't take time away from the show, because we do, but it was very different this time. Knowing that the show was still in full swing while I made my way across godforsaken states where cell phones are just timepieces and everyone is ugly/poor made it so.

Anyway, I guess this is just a drawn out way of saying that it feels great to be back around the people I get to work with everyday... the guys I would consider as much a part of my family as I would my own*... the guys I would consider to be among the funniest I've ever known. The world is a pretty serious place with lots of miserable Kum & Go employees. To be able to go though the first five hours of my day with a shit eating grin on my face makes me a very lucky person**.

I would go over details about the road trip, but could never do it the justice that the videos documenting the trip do. (You can check them out here: http://www.freebeerandhotwings.com/g/Producer-Joe%27s-Freedom-Trip/175.html.)

*The good side of the family...not the side that throws me out of the vegetable garden by my hair and belt loop (true story).

** Yes, even when I'm being called a donkey-toothed fag.

Four Days of Suffering and Not One Bowel Movement

2010-03-16T02:37:00Z

Posted By: Joe

It's 4:30 on a Friday and I'm awake. This is nothing new since I'm up at this time almost everyday, but I'm not driving to work this morning. In three and a half hours I'll be on an operating table preparing to have doctors shank out my nose like a prison inmate's asshole. After taking the last shower I would see for three days, I hopped in the Jeep and headed to the hospital.

On my way there I didn't turn the radio on; hell, I didn't even try to keep my mind off of the gruesome surgery I had to look forward to. Instead, I tortured myself with images of scalpels cutting flaps of nose skin open. This would give them ample room to chisel away at the bone and cartilage before stitching me back up like a doughy white Frankenstein (this of course before I found out that everything was done with a scope and no skin flaps would be peeled back.).

Despite the awful images I'd convinced myself would soon be reality, I stay relatively calm as I navigate my way through the white halls of the hospital looking for the surgical check in. I find the desk, I check in, and am almost immediately lead back to a bed where I'm told to strip down and put on a hospital gown. At this point my surgery is just an hour away. I've been asked the same questions about my health, current medications, and worries by about five different nurses.

It's at this point that another nurse pops in to start me on an IV. This is where the nerves kick in. I've never been on an IV, but I have given blood and, in my poorer days, plasma. I turned my head as I always do when being poked with a needle. It was then that I heard nurse bowl cut say 'oops, I made a little mess.' I looked over to see large amounts of blood on my hand and on the sheets. 'Oh, shit!' I thought. If the fucking nurse can't even stick a needle in my arm without fucking that up, I don't want them digging around in my face. My palms start to sweat.

It's time. I've been wheeled to the OR and moved onto the operating table. The oxygen mask is placed on me and and the anesthesia is administered. I hear the Anesthesiologist say 'He's out', but I'm not yet, and I think to myself 'No, I'm not dipshit.' The last thing I remember thinking is 'I sure hope I don't get a boner', or maybe I dreamed that. Nonetheless, I was gone.

* * *

Three... Two... One... WAKE UP! Just like that my eyes jump open and my head twists from side to side. It was done. I was on the recovery floor. After taking in my surroundings I noticed one last thing... I was sporting wood. No joke, and I couldn't even hide it. The gown had no waistband. So, as a nurse checked my vitals I sat there with my knees up and one arm beneath the sheets. I'm glad my last thought wasn't 'I hope I don't get raped.' I tried to make small talk, but I'm sure it was pure filth talk, gibberish. She was in no mood for this. The way I felt then was the way I feel when I wake up from a night of drinking, but am still pretty trashed. Everything was hilariously interesting to me. Recovery floor nurse must be the worst job in the hospital. Who really likes talking to wasted people when you're stone sober. And just like any retarded drunkard, I was flabbergasted by her lack of interest in talking to me.

Like every Saturday around 1:30 am the good times would soon come to an end. As my surgery high wore off as quickly as my surgery boner, the pain was making itself known. It felt like I had eighteen feet of gauze packed into my nose and sinuses. This had something to do with the fact that I had eighteen feet of gauze packed into my nose and sinuses.

The next two days would be the most brutal I've ever spent on this earth. I took the massive amounts of pain killers prescribed to me, but that didn't matter. The pain cut through them like Ginsu through a tin can. I slept in shifts, the shifts being the times that the pain killers were doing their job. Three hours later I was awake and hurting. 8:00 pm I pass out. 11:00 pm I wake up and take more pills. 3:00 am I wake up, and take more pills, etc. My god man, what a way to live. I watch TV with sunglasses on because the light is too much for me to handle. I can look at my computer for only minutes at a time, because this also is too much for me to handle. If this isn't a complete life changer I may shoot myself for putting me through this.

From what I'm told the worst part isn't here just yet. What? Yeah that's right I've been warned by every bastard who has had this done that the worst part will come today at 4:00 pm. Taped to the front of my overstuffed nose are four black pieces of string. These curve around the tip and into the nostril. These are what doctor pain will grab hold of and yank till the bloody snot soaked tampons pop out like a champagne bottle cork. This I'm told will make me barf. In my brain I imagine taking revenge on the doctor by aiming it right at his dorky face. (I'm not mad at him, and he's a really great guy, but wouldn't that be awesome!)

* * *

It's so much fun to joke about puking on the doctor. That is until you actually go through a scenario where there's a great possibility of that being the case. I'm three hours removed from what I believe was the worst pain every inflicted on me, and I'm still affected. The discomfort of having packing in my nose is a memory now. What is also a memory, but one so vivid I want to throw up, is the unpacking.

I'm back in the black chair I had sat in several times when we were determining what to do about my sinus problem. They ask me to remove my sweatshirt and place a cape, similar to one you would see at a barber shop, around my neck. The Doc looks at me and says "There's no real easy way of doing this," and reaches for the black strings that protrude from my nostrils. My heart rate goes up. He sticks a pair of forceps halfway up my nose, and explains that he'll pull only a centimeter out first. This will loosen things up a bit.

My eyes squeeze shut as I prepare for the pull. One second later it feels like someone took their cigarette and jammed it into my nose till it hit the very back of the canal. Again the cigarette burns me when he does the same to the other nostril. I manage to squeak out an "Oh, god". The pain doesn't fade; it's now a slow burn while I catch my breath. Three inches remain inside. Again he grabs hold of nose tampon #1. He pulls it out in one quick motion. Before relief sets in, he does the same to tampon #2. I'm thoughtless and speechless. I feel blood start to drip down to my upper lip. My eyes are the only things lucid enough to react to the pain; tears well up.

I'm starting to think that this entire mess is over. The pressure is gone, the tampons out. At that moment the blood drains from my face. I know this feeling. "Where's the trash? I may need it." I'm handed a small metal bowl. 'This wont do a thing you stupid twat' I think to myself, but whatever. Beads of sweat form on my forehead. I think I may pass out. The Doc is back. He tells me to lay back, and wipes the sweat from my brow. Luckily, disaster is avoided. I start to feel better.

Now, I'm just out of it. I've been on narcotics for days now. I had little more to eat than a pussy... I mean a pack of Twizzlers. My nose doesn't hurt, but the most vile, evil, bloody scum is blocking my passages. I'm not allowed to blow it yet. I'm just left with a "what to do now" feeling. I haven't pooped or masturbated in three days. Maybe I'll give those a try... Nah, I'm too tired for kink.

What's Obama's Problem? I don't know, but here's a blog about SNL.

2010-03-03T05:12:00Z

Posted By: Joe

Another week had passed and my, along with most everyones favorite day was finally here! I spent most of the day completing my normal "task" of not completing tasks, and night had fallen. It's around this time that my phone (excuse me for using urban lingo) starts blowin up like a mother fucker! As the calls rolled in (in my head) I simply flipped the little switch on the side of my phone to silent. No clubbin for me tonight. Why? Because I knew J-Lo was playing host this week on SNL. Not really. Truth is that I was just too beat from stuffing myself full of MSG at an all I could eat buffet, and I have to prop my tits on a TV tray every few hours. This avoids the back pains that come with being a man - built like a woman.

Before I watched that night I would have said 'who cares who's hosting.' And, I still do. I should give credit where it's deserved though. So to you, the has-been star of some idiot's favorite movies (The Cell doesn't count. It was fucking sweet), congrats! Congrats for being on the only episode of SNL this year that got a chuckle out of me. Now the bad news... it still sucked.

You may ask how it's possible that a fiery Latina with little acting skill was the one to get even that much out of me. It's because she is whatever is a little nicer than a poo diamond in a mythical poo diamond mine. This season has got to be the most they have used more talentless fifteen minute famers to host than any other. I can only imagine what the meetings have sounded like.

Hey, January Jones is attractive and can make words come out of her mouth. Get her ASAP!
That homo from Twilight can take his shirt off.
We need him. Do it!
Now that we have that figured out lets get to writing

I can now see this process working its way to a room full of writers with nothing to go on. Before they take the sketch to Lorne and the guest, they have to pick one thing that has to do with the guest, and then glaze every sketch with it.

J-Lo is hispanic
Write four Telemundo sketches.
Can we include our musical guest in a sketch?
Sure. Andy write a kooky song about nothing and give J-Lo a scene

We're almost set. Now we just have to explain to Lorne what things are funny in this decade, and wait for his approval.

Sure Lorne, these things might get popular if we put them on the World Wide Web.
Oh, Taylor Lautner has a funny idea we should talk to him about?
We'll get on that. First we will explain to January that her lines are limited because she doesn't know what "comedy" is, and it takes a non-retard to read their lines in a natural way.

We're now just days away from having some of the funniest people in the business try to make some of the biggest ass boils look funny. It sucks seeing brilliant comedic actors like Will Forte, Fred Armisen, and Bill Hader share a stage with rim jobbers.

I've thought at times that this was an age thing. Not that I'm old, but my tastes have definitely changed since the days of Mike Meyers, and David Spade. I can actually see myself sitting there in front of the cabinet TV waiting for daddy to come home from his date. I was about to watch the most cutting edge comedy there was. Oh, how funny I thought it was when Spade would say the words 'Buh-bye' as people exited a plane. I want to barf young me's eyes for not being smarter. I still think Chris Farley and Hartman are genius though. So, at this point no, it's not an age thing.

There is one episode that I look forward to. Next week Zach Galifianakis hosts. I expect it be funny, but in my heart I know that it will be an abortion sketch buffet that will make me dislike him.

My Dad's Side of the Family Meets Me

2010-01-30T00:48:00Z

Posted By: Joe

Facebook is an awesome social networking site. It allows me to see how ugly people are that I used to think were hot, get to know listeners of the show, and write awful things in my status update box.

Along with listeners and old classmates, as of yesterday, I would get the chance to catch up with a cousin on my Dad's side. I hadn't seen or talked to her in years. This is the side of my family that wouldn't really be aware of the type of humor I've developed over the last 15 years.

With that as the backdrop I now present to you the story of what happens when all things previously mentioned become an offensive goulash.

Yesterday I checked my facebook account and saw that little head with a plus one next to it. "Oh boy, someone wants to be my friend!" my brain said in the gayest tone imaginable. I move my mouse to the top right corner and click.

Uh oh... The name I see is not something I wanted to see in this world. This is the place where I make references to boning various members of my family and describe how much easier it would be to post things if I could only keep my fingers out of me (Do I mean my butt? I don't know? You guess. If you guessed my butt, you're right). The name I see is my cousin. Before I accept, I weigh my options; there are none really. I don't want her to think I've turned into some sort of rude dick eater.

Wanting to soften the blow I post this on my wall:

Eh boy... My Dad's side of the family found me on FB. Alright, you can stay, but you can't complain about being known as the "Nazi" side of the family. Also, at Thanksgiving please don't mention my seemingly nonstop posts about sexing my mom and sodomy. That being said, willkommen!

In hindsight this is not a blow softener. If I weren't completely retarded I might think that this could be taken as a horribly offensive thing to post. I'm basically calling her a member of a group that tried to exterminate the Jews.

* * *

I'm getting ready to head out of the office today when I decided to see what cous has been up to in her virtual life. When you type a name into the search box on Facebook all you need is a first name. I type her first name. Hmm... nothing pops up. I type her second name, and get the same results. It seems that 24 hours of me is all she could take. I think she de-friended my ass! Yep, she did.

Like any good German, I first fill with rage. How dare that Kraut make me feel bad for offending her! Then the sensitive side of me, the one that enjoyed watching a lesbian duo sing songs about dikey love at Lollapalooza takes over. I now feel terrible about this. Before I do some depression binging (I'm just kidding; that's what bipolar losers do, right Mom?) I decide to apologize.

In the five years that I've been with this show, I've been put in more uncomfortable positions than most people would be in eight lifetimes. This however was near the top of unpleasant situation mountain. "Well" I think to myself "I guess I should probably try fix this." All I have to do is explain to her that I am screwed up and say stupid things. Surely she will understand. We all make mistakes (every day, over and over), right?

I slump down in my chair (the weight of the guilt is making it hard to sit up straight). I place my clumsy sausage fingers on the keyboard and start to type. This is the gem that I barfed into the message box and mailed her way:

Subject: I'm really sorry

Message: I hope I didn't make you hate me. The post was just a joke. I just write stupid things here. They don't really mean anything.

-Joe

That took me ten minutes to come up with. I sent this, but I guess I wasn't done, because I immediately clicked the "send a message" button next to her face and once again typed away. Here's the post script:

Subject: Also...

Message: I don't call you my Nazi side of the family. I've told stories about Opa (grandpa) throwing me out of his garden by my hair, and the show hosts kind of started that thread.

So along with being inconsiderate I am also a liar; I totally call them my Nazi side of the family (and worse).

As of now I have yet to hear back from her. I told my sister about this debacle to see what her thoughts were. It turns out that her thoughts were more thought out than mine. "Are you sure that's what she was offended by? Maybe it was something else you wrote." My ugly sibling had a point. All I had to do was scroll a little farther down the page to jog my memory of thoughts I had previously posted.

I don't know how anyone could be offended by this:

Sometimes I become suicidal. I've tried to kill myself three times by giving myself aids. I do not have aids though, so I am afraid that it's just becoming an excuse to eat my own semen.

Whatever the case may be I'm sick of feeling bad, so she can just screw off. I've wasted enough time on it. It's time for me to retire to the bedroom and get suicidal all over myself.

www.facebook.com/ProducerJoeOfficial
www.twitter.com/ProducerJoeFBHW

I'm not your friend, loser

2010-01-23T23:24:00Z

Posted By: Joe

Before July of last year I was the owner of two cars; one: an awesome royal blue, turbo charged, with leather interior Audi TT convertible - I know it's a fucking chick car, ok. I loved it nonetheless. The other: an all black with grey interior, cigarette burns, and a missing door handle Chevy Prism (very reliable, very shitty).

Like all things I do (eating too much, being faggy) I was nothing short of impulsive. Before buying the Audi I gave no thought into what it's like to own two cars (one that can only be driven in the summer no less). No surprise to anyone that isn't an impulsive jizz rocket like me, it was a complete pain in my dick hole. The Audi is a rich woman/homo's toy, and though it seems sometimes that I am half of those two things, apparently not enough to own one.

* * *

I was ecstatic, when in late July of 2009 when I finally found a dealership that could make the trade work out. I gave them my two cars and drove off in a 2004 black Jeep Wrangler. "This car is the shit" I thought to myself. There was only one of it that I would deal with; I had room to bang sluts (that's a lie. The jeep is small, so a bathroom is still the only option), and the top came off (like my mom's when it's time to love her). The purchase was also my ticket into an exclusive club of Jeep owning tools, that I have nothing but deep seeded hatred for less than one year later.

From what I can tell based on the zero amounts of research I've done on this: Some friendless Wrangler owner got caught stroking his pimpled wiener to the chunky broad in the Jeep next to him. After sharing a moment of uncomfortable glances he awkwardly stuck his greasy palm in the air and gave her a wave. She uncomfortably did the same before they both drove off. These two misfits, no doubt feeling the smallest amount of human interaction inadvertently invented "The Jeep Wave".

Here's a scenario I go through every single day: I turn left off of my street. While driving down the main road that intersects my street, I see another Jeep. As I slump my head and sigh, I feebly stick my sausage like digits in the air. They do the same but with fervor that I can't muster up even when I try. I continue on my way slowing as I approach the intersection ahead. Well, wouldn't you know it? A jeep sits directly ahead in the opposite left turn lane. This time a woman in a maroon Wrangle with a massive lift (the lift people are the worst because of how much more intense they are - women especially. They're no doubt on their way to get muff, and are excited). I repeat the process and give a wave. This will happen to me all day. You never notice how many of these wheely bricks are on the road till you drive one.

So that's right - every time I pass a Jeep there is an assumption that both people will gaily wave at each other, or stick their fore and middle finger up (the same finger they put in their mouths and butts). You also have the option to nod your head and acknowledge that both of you are gayer than all other drivers on the road. If one of those three things is not done then you are an asshole..

If you think that I'm just being a complainer you may be right. It's probably nothing to make any kind of deal about. But to me it's as painful as trying to wash all the parts of my fat body or not smelling the TP after I wipe. It just grates on you.

I know that I'm going to get massive amounts of shit for writing this. Obviously Jeep owners are a sensitive bunch. I beg though... Please stop waving at me. Please stop nodding your head at me. Please stop sticking your fingers up at me. Please stop making me feel even more losery than I already do.

I love my car.Really though, like you: it's not the coolest thing in the world.

Sexist Knocked Up. The Debate raged on.

2010-01-07T11:46:00Z

Posted By: Joe

Was "Knocked Up" a sexist movie? I didn't think so. I know Katherine Heigl thought less than great things about the movie that made her career, but I assumed she was just being a silly woman* (probably on her rag**).

I'll be honest before I get into it by saying that I never did make it to the very end, so if the cast went into a song and dance number about women wearing dresses to do the dishes and being hit for sitting in un-lady like manners, I apologize.

I don't remember how it came up, but it did. I sat at a glass dinning room table. To my right sat a woman, to my left sat a woman, and directly across sat Meg - also a woman. Meg is best described in my opinion as a pixie; she had long brown hair, brown eyes, and a little over four feet tall. She was the one that brought "it" up by boldly stating that the film "Knocked Up" was a horribly sexist movie. She described watching it along with a sold out crowd. Moments that left fellow movie watchers laughing left her wondering how all these assholes could possibly find this low brow humor funny. Movie aside - offensive even more so to me is that this is around the time I learn of her love for Adam Sandler movies. Great, someone who hates funny things is breaking down a comedy movie. I decide to play along...

"What made the movie sexist?" I ask.
"A really hot girl sleeps with an ugly guy, and the main character's buddies acted like idiots". While not building the best case for her argument the pixie was a little intimidating. Intimidation did not sway me - this time, at least. The first example though unrealistic seems to glorify women. This displays the kindness all attractive women show from time to time by taking pity on the weaker sex by sharing their vaginas with them. She brings up the whole her being drunk when she decided on sex with him, but I give women more credit than that. Who's sexist now?!

I breakdown the second example by pointing out that this movie while obviously showing women in a positive light, portrays men to be the most idiotic of assholes. And with those words alone, I've won her over. Meg agrees with this (in my head). Under the light of the dinning room lamp hanging above she sees the single tear roll down my cheek. "I'm sorry for ignoring the brutal and unjust depiction of men in this movie. That was selfish of me" she says softly.

Just when you think that talking to women will get you nothing more than makeup tips, and a cute giggle***, you actually learn something. Tonight I learned that yes, "Knocked Up" was a very sexist movie, but it's not directed at women. Meg knows this now. It seems that in the end we both learned something, and hopefully this taught everyone a little something: Even though we (men) are stronger, and funnier we're rarely depicted as such in popular culture.

*That would be an example of sexism
** Example #2
*** Example #3

A page from the diary of the guy that hit snookie on Jersey Shore

2010-01-02T20:38:00Z

Posted By: Joe

Dea Diary,

Well ay, rememba dat girl I clocked a few months ago at da shore, bitch? I guess she was on some kind of television programming show on TV. When they told me dat shit afta it happened I was all like: "sweet, now evebody is gonna see how guido I am!" Fist pump bitch!

It aint workin out like dat shit at all.

Doze MTV producas dat paid me to hit her said dat it was no big deal. Dey was all like "It's cool because she's da annoying ugly one, so no one would care." I don't know what annoying is, but dey talked all smart and shit. I think dey was fags, or sometin. I was getting tyad of fist pumpin, and lookin fa pussy, so it was time to fuck some shit up anyways. So I did it, ya know?

Now dey is saying dat dey aint even gunna show it on da TV. I figad dat dis was like my big break into MMA an shit. How is people gunna see how fucking furious I is now?

Since no one seen it I don't know how dey found out, but all deez punks is comin out and sayin it was wrong. I guess MTV forgot to tell everybody dat she was a fuckin tease, or some shit. I don't get it? Is people not undastandin how fuckin awesome dat right cross I threw was? Seein me fight is like watching a Ferrari eat a fucking shark while fist pumpin. Whateva. Some people just don't appreciate shit, an shit.

So, I guess Ima just have to wait fa my day to come anotha time. I hea deres a show about da shore dat needs some slick guidos. Maybe I can do dat. We gunna see.

Ma says dat da Rigatoni alla Pajata is done. Yea Ma, I'm comin! I heard you Ma, affanculo, geez! Some bitches gots no patience!

Dats all fa now. We gunna talk soon, ok. Fist pump!

Goodbye Decade

2009-12-19T00:28:00Z

Posted By: Joe

When I sat down to write this I immediately thought of all the spectacular things that happened this year. I made my mark when I went on Ellen to recreate my video of me recreating the single ladies video*. I became the first black president; that was pretty neat. I also saw the movie Battlefield Earth... I smell an Oscar!

I then realized not only was this it for 2009 - we're saying goodbye to the decade too. My god that is insane to think about; in fact, I hadn't really thought about it. For me it seems like so much more time has passed by since we said goodbye to 1999.

Ten years ago I was riding in my very first car, a 1979 Lincoln Town Car. I now had the freedom to drive to Tower Records (where all the weirdos worked) to illegally buy porno VHS tapes for 50 dollars a pop. Lucky for me that was the same year I was able to say "screw you" to the VHS industry when I became the sole purchaser of Web TV.

Two weeks from now a decade ago I was in the middle of the Florida everglades at a Phish concert smoking pot, and waiting for Y2K to send Terminators that would kill us all at midnight. Ten years later: I'm sitting in my basement room watching Jersey Shore on MTV and thinking about masturbating - clearly I've matured. The thought of being a professional skydive instructor (my first career choice) was still a year away from entering my brain much less a thought of saying "How's it goin everybody" into a microphone and making radio my profession.

Even more amazing are things that didn't change - like my pot tits. Just because you quit smoking pot and consuming massive amounts of Little Debbie Nutty Bars doesn't mean you have to give up your lumpish physique. Keep that in mind, kids.

Before saying eat dick to the year and the decade, I want to say eat dick to all of you. Wait... Sorry, that was the wrong choice of words. I want to say thanks to all of you. Thanks for turning on your radio every morning to laugh at our stupidity. Because of that we all have a purpose in life. Because of that this will be a decade I never look back at and feel that I made a wrong choice. I hope each of you feels this same way.

Have a great Christmas / Hanukkah / fake religion e.g. Wicca (jk Wicca), and an amazing New Year.

Always grateful,

Joe

* http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6JplthglEY0

Authors note: Battlefield Earth came out in 2000. It may be ineligible for contention, but I'm still checking on that.

http://twitter.com/ProducerjoeFBHW
http://www.facebook.com/ProducerJoeOfficial

Thanks for Proof Reading This Mom

2009-12-16T13:33:00Z

Posted By: Joe

Who reading this likes when moms dress sexy? If you could see me you would know that my arm did not rise. Had I agreed, I probably wouldn't have raised it anyway... That would be retarded because no one is here.

There was a point when I thought moms dressing like teens, having young haircuts, and wearing fuck-me- boots was the greatest. There was even a time when I made tummy babies exclusively to Milf Hunter*.

Well grocery shopping and hot moms may be ruined forever!

Grocery shopping, you think to yourself. Where the fuck did that come from? What do those two things have to do with one another? Sure, I'll tell you.

This is a lot like the plot of LOST so pay attention:

Grocery shopping is miserable. The only thing that got me through it (other than knowing the delicious foods I was buying would give me fuller breasts) was secretly staring at hot girls. I know that makes me sound kind of creepy and that's because I am 100% kind of creepy.

Well, much like thinking it would be cool to have sex with a family member only to find out it's gross and wrinkly, everything has completely backfired!

The past few times I've ventured out of the basement to forage I've been completely tricked.

The scenario:

I walk past the aisle that I never go down - baking**. I see apple bottom jeans and boots with the fur (I heard that in a song; not really sure what it means). The cherry on top is a gorgeous head of blonde hair. No I don't see her face, but come on - she has got to be hot...

"There's one to keep an eye on," I think, "Maybe I'll run into her in produce?"

I remember at this point that I'm not cool so there's no point in playing it that way and I change up my plan. I'll turn down the next aisle and check her out on the other side. Despite the possibility of stinking like my immigrant relatives for a day I quickly make my way past the ethnic foods.

After snagging some Manischewitz and Marzipan I'm out and turning down her aisle! I casually stroll up to where her cart is and look up. It's hard to describe the monster I saw, but it was bad.

Oh god, I think as my stomach weakens. I can feel sickness coming on. I dry heave a few times before throwing up directly into the face of the beast! I calm for a moment because her features are obscured by undigested samples of Bob Evans hickory smoked sausage. She wipes it off and the process repeats itself.

I won't bore you with an ending because it's complete fiction and I don't feel like writing one. Nonetheless, the message stands and it is true that I am constantly caught off guard, each time thinking, "I can't believe I wasted seconds of brain power on this poo streak."

I would tell you to do something about it, but who am I to do that? I look like a hairy stump-legged hobo that abuses the shelter's generous food rationing system. I will say that I from now on prefer my moms to look the way they used to: plump and ugly.

*It was all the rage a few years back... Milf Hunter, not tummy babies.
Those are still all the rage every afternoon.

** I'm not a woman

http://www.facebook.com/ProducerJoeOfficial
http://twitter.com/ProducerjoeFBHW

Pro Joe: Movie Reviewer

2009-11-30T04:06:00Z

Posted By: Joe

Before I write anything else let me say that yes, I understand that this movie was not made with me as their intended target demographic. If that were the case it would have been a good movie with better acting and a plot that a masturbating 2 year old couldn't come up with.

That's right; I just got back from the newest Twilight movie: New Moon.

It was me, a girl, and a theater packed full of Pedobear's * wet dreams... No, that does not include the girl I was with, sicko. I knew as soon as I walked into the place my non-dream of not enjoying a movie with a hundred sticky fingered brats had come true.

The movie goes:

It's Bella's (Kristen Stewart) birthday. Hooray, right? No, Bella is sad because this reminds her that she's not a vampire who doesn't age. Her hipster vampire boyfriend Robert Pattinson won't make her one because his pseudo-poetic ass doesn't want to take her soul, or some shit. What a bummer for her :(

Pattinson leaves town and won't take her for some unknown reason. This forces her to stare out of a window for three months. Once she's done with her stare marathon she decides to build a motorcycle. For this she calls on the worst actor in the world Taylor Lautner to help her with it. He takes his shirt off and goes to work. As the weeks go by she starts to like him. It's at this point that he tells her to fuck off so he can be a ware wolf.

There's some fighting, some cell phone time checking, but for the most part there's long stretches where you think about how retarded Kristen Stewart looks. I don't know if she's a teen sex goddess to nerds around the world or not, but to me, my grandma wearing poo lipstick is more attractive.

The tiny upside of seeing this movie was to make it to the end when I could leave and seeing the disgustingly hot yet rarely seen Ashley Greene**. Seriously, take the profits from your "cock choke" movie, and give it to her for being my boner oasis.

The end leaves us with the thought that Bella's dreams of being a vampire are destined to take place in the next movie***.

Somehow the tweener in the seat directly in back of me vocalized my exact thoughts about the end of this film when she said "That was the most retarded ending ever".

Congrats to you little girl! I have hopes that you might be the only one there your age that doesn't fuck a pale 23 year old when you turn 13.

*http://lukey.miauu.info/picsahz/pedobear/pedobear.jpg
** http://www.twilightgear.net/wp-content/uploads/2009/02/ashley-greene-maxim.jpg
*** spoiler alert

When you get a call from an old friend

2009-11-09T22:24:00Z

Posted By: Joe

When you get a call from an old friend like I did today you hope it's a cause to rehash the stupid moments you shared when you were young and dumb (even more so than now).

I hadn't actually talked to Danny Macro on the phone for years, but we exchanged a few messages over Facebook. Four days ago I asked about a post on his wall that read: Get better soon Benny! Prayers sent. I asked if this was our friend Ben Keeney, and what the troubles were. I was told that Ben was in an induced coma fighting off infections caused by the H1N1 virus. This was harsh news, but came with the caveat that all was looking up.

When I got the call from Dan today we didn't talk about the stupid things we did. Not long after the usual 'Hey, how are you?" but before anything else was spoken I knew that a close friend had passed away.

It's been some time since I dealt with death, at least a death that hit so close to home. The closest person to me to pass away was my Oma (that's nazi speak for grandma). This was eleven or twelve years ago. As almost anyone at that age would do I just cried. In hindsight it's such a simple thing. You cry till your head pounds and your tears dry up and it's over; you feel better for the time being.

I'm just now finding out that it doesn't work that way for me now. Tears don't come as easily as they did then. Now I sit stunned and sad but still not quite grasping this situation. Maybe this is how it is now that I'm older. Instead of the devastation that set in a decade ago I think about the half a lifetime of good memories I have because I was lucky enough to know a guy like Ben.

Having had a rough childhood I've programmed myself to focus on the future and fresh starts. Because of that I'm not too big on keeping photos and trinkets from the past. I do keep a few though. Lucky for me knowing him was reason enough to have most of my photo albums filled with our great times. While I look through them I'd like to tell you just a few of those reasons (I say a few knowing the list will be as long as my lifetime).

I met Ben while working at the Glen Theater. I have fond memories of my time there because of him. The good times didn't come from doing the best job I could do for $5.15 an hour. It's the times we brought six packs of Strohs to hide in the ice machine, and treated it like the bullshit teenage job it was.

He was a truly funny guy. I really don't remember a time hanging out with him when he wasn't making me laugh. He was a great storyteller which is rare. If he had worries or stresses - I'm sure he did as we all do - I didn't know what they were. It's hard for me to explain that. He was just that kind of guy.

Ben loved radio as much as I did. He was the only guy I knew that would take a train 40 minutes to meet me at a school he didn't go to so we could bullshit on a college radio station that no one listened to. We didn't get anything out of it. We just wanted to hang out, make fun of life, and talk. That was fun to us.

Think about the friends you have and what you do when you hang out. Now narrow it down to the people you can just sit there and do nothing more than talk with and have a blast. The list is tiny, zero for some, but he was on mine.

Ben loved all things Chicago especially the sports. While most of our friends, along with most of the city we lived in, creamed jeans for the Cubbies - he was a Sox fan. I will forever call him a homo for that, but I respect it.

These are the universal reasons why Ben was a best friend. I have a million other specific stories to go with the pictures and memories.

So what to do now? I don't know. Hopefully you can appreciate this. Not because most of you knew him personally but because you know someone just as important to you in your life.

My thoughts and prayers go out to his family and the people that knew and loved him. It was my pleasure to have had you as a friend Benny.

Ben, Me, some girls, and a retarded man circa 2002

Ten tips for a safe and fun Halloween

2009-11-02T01:24:00Z

Posted By: Joe

I wrote this list as a handy guide for you to make it through what can be one of the scariest nights of the year unharmed and better off.

If curling up in the fetal position and waiting for daylight while sobbing isn't for you, this will be your map to a happy Halloween. The problem with writing this the day after Halloween though is that it can't be used as a guide to Halloween. Luckily these tips are universal and there's another holiday right around the corner.

With a couple of edits and switch-a-roos I'll save you the trouble of worrying about all the stresses Thanksgiving can bring. Enjoy!

Thanksgiving can be a day filled with joy, candy apples, Bit-o-Honeys, and fun. It can also be a day filled with horror, violence, fire, and rape.

Here are fourteen tips to keep it on the fun side:

1.Protect yourself; you can't depend on the overall goodness of society, and the sanity of most people to keep you rape free on Thanksgiving. Keep a gun at your side, and wear a helmet at all times.

2.If you plan on staying home and handing out candy always assume the people knocking on your door are Satan worshipers. Save yourself the trouble of wondering who you can and cannot trust by lacing all of your candy with poison and eating it. Worrying is something dead people don't do.

3.Don't molest kids; they will appreciate it!

4.If you're going to wear a costume don't forget to ask: Would Jesus approve?

5.If you're going to wear a costume part 2: Just for the Ladies. If you can't see your nipples, I can't see your nipples. Please fix this problem.

6.Don't do number 5

7.Watching scary movies is a great way to get into the Thanksgiving mood... If you're a HOMO.

8.Only set fire to buildings that house organizations you disagree with politically.

9.Light a Holiday Bayberry Yankee candle. You feel better already, don't you.

10.Only pussies go trick or treating. Steal candy from weaker children and then throw eggs at them.

11.If you're a Goth year round you will enjoy Halloween. It will be harder for people who aren't weirdoes to pick you out as the fat ugly kid they wish would just die.

12.Doing drugs will enhance your Thanksgiving experience. Still, keep in mind: Ecstasy's euphoric effects does not = OK to masturbate in public.

13.The more you know

14.Another one for the ladies. It can be hard to tell a persons age when their wearing a costume. If you meet a guy you want to make love to, but aren't sure he's of age, check for pubes. If there's grass on field play ball.

Now go out and have yourself the time of your life!

Hey Zach Galifiniakis' Beard

2009-10-23T02:53:00Z

Posted By: Joe

Hey Zach Galifiniakis' Beard,

It's me, Joe's Beard. I've been tempted to write to you a few times just to say hi and that I was a pretty big fan. Heck I still am a pretty big fan.

The reason now however is because you've gotten way too famous. I used to have my own identity. I was the Christmas beard of 2007. It was a seasonal gig though. I knew the end of the line would be here before I knew it (what a retarded sentence). Christmas came and went and I even stuck around for half of January before my shaving. So it goes.

I did a few odd jobs here and there. I was the pubes of a man who was the Easter Bunny. That was the first time I saw Joe's face other than in the mirror. I was also the mustache of a kid toucher, a cop from the 70's, and my dad from now. Though to be fair he and the molester were one and the same.

Then in early July of this year I was called back to Joe's fat face. This time around though everything was fucked. All that time I spent above a cock and under noses getting jizzed on, you were selling out and getting famous.

These days no one ever says: "Hey Christmas beard from two years ago, you're back!" Now it's: "You look like that beard from the Hangover". Zach Galifiniakis wasn't the first guy to decide he wanted to give up on not looking like a dirty slob, you know.

You probably think you're so great now; don't you? Well you're not. You may live in a whole house and not just a room in your buddies basement. You may have money to buy foods that don't come in an unlabeled can you think might be SpaghettiO's, but you bought it anyways because mystery cans are always on sale. You may even look down on me because you smell like vagina sometimes and I smell like dingleberries all the time.

Get off your high horse asshole!

So I guess basically I just was wondering if you could stop being in movies, and on tv so people will forget about you.

Thanks so much,

Joe's beard

My Brief Dealings with the UFL

2009-10-12T04:29:00Z

Posted By: Joe

-----Original Message-----
From: Joe
Sent: Friday, October 09, 2009 7:41 AM
To: UFL PR
Subject: Re: Radio Interview

Hi,

It's Joe again.

I sent the email you see below to you a while ago. I was hoping to
help you promote your brand new league, but was ignored. Well that's
egg in my face. Clearly you didn't need my help. How foolish of me to bother you with this request.

Your first game debuted last night, and here we are talking about it.
Oh wait, it turns out you could have used it after all. The only
things mentioned on our show, and in all other media today is what a
miserable catastrophe it was.

We just went into commercial break, so If anyone ever wants to hear
your name mentioned again they'll have to buy a podcast.

Everyone hates you!

Fuck you, you failure!

Joe

On Tue, Jul 21, 2009 at 10:29 AM Joe wrote:
> Hello,
>
> I was wondering if anyone from the UFL had plans to do a radio tour or
> if anybody was available for interviews in the near future.
>
> Thanks so much,
> --
> Joe

Kids are cool

2009-10-07T04:37:00Z

Posted By: Joe

For months now I've been part of the big brother program. Though I'm not the great mentor that I had (one that teaches how much a quality bag of pot should cost, squirters are awesome, and how to spray paint your name on things) I think I'm pretty a-ok. I take him rock climbing, give him comics and tell him that doing well in school is AWESOME! I do all of that without swearing or stinking of Bud Light.

All self loathing aside it's a good gig. The unexpected surprise I stumbled upon though is a new appreciation of parents (good ones, not like the kind that bone their kids or anything). This came about at a soccer game I went to so I could spread some big brother like support around. Well let me tell you: this wasn't easy. The reason this is uneasy is because I now know - that watching kids play sports - is the most boring thing ever!

If you've never sat through an entire game made up of these little uncoordinated Bambi's you're missing nothing. Their lack of finesse and power when kicking the ball made me want to stick my penis in my ear with hopes of it hitting the brain. I don't want to sound too cruel; I don't hate the kids. I think it's awesome that they have a better chance of not ending up a chucky pot head with boobies than I did. But really, seriously, it sucks - kind of a lot.

The fourth quarter dragged on with us one down making the score a whopping 1-0. I felt good believing at this point that I would be leaving as soon as the clock hit zero. Then the unthinkable happened... One of our guys somehow managed to nudge the ball towards the visitor's goal. As the little chunk they called their goalie strained to bend over to stop this catastrophe the ball that ambled past the goal line. I clapped and cheered feverishly inside I cried. Believing overtime was a possibility my brain screamed "Pease Jesus don't make me stay!"

Jesus like I always said is a pretty great guy. It turns out he thought the game was gay and put an end to it almost as quickly as it had been tied up. I gave him a high five (the kid, not Jesus) and a "you'll get them next time" and clicked my heels back to the car. I will have to endure this so many more times in this life, but with the thought of getting home to watch the new episode of Mr. Chews Asian Beaver; who cares?

Anyways, cheers to you parents! Even bigger cheers to the ones stolid enough to think youth sports are exciting in any way.

Freedom is a word I rarely use without thinking

2009-09-23T01:19:00Z

Posted By: Producer Joe

Those powerful lyrics are from Donovan's 1965 single Colours. They also have nothing to do with this blog...

I sure do fucking loathe people who still haven't figured out how to use the self checking lanes at the grocery store.

I remember going to a show at the Second City in Chicago in 2003 and seeing a sketch about these brand new contraptions. This was a really simple and on the mark sketch involving a woman who has difficulty checking out because the machine blew dick. And it was dead on. Those machines used to blow dick. They were super touchy and always wanted to speak to you in Spanish.

That sketch was six years ago! It's time to fucking adapt to this space aged technology. The machines work perfectly fine now. What is the hold up? Stop being afraid to learn to be a better person that other people can like. Or at least stop being a tumor that wastes my time by being retarded.

Here are a few tips for you:

If you're having trouble figuring out what this "robot" is trying to make you do, don't worry. Take a step back, calm yourself, and then shoot a bullet into your face.

It's easy to become confused in this Tron-esque future world we're living in, but remember the tips and help make this world a happier more convenient place to live in.

New Between Two Ferns

2009-09-09T03:03:00Z

Posted By: Joe

For some reason this makes me want to punch Charlize Theron. It's probably because she all like "I'm all fucking hot and successful". I am offended as someone who is neither of those things. What a totally unnecessary uncalled for rant... How dare she try and be funny though

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis from Between Two Ferns

While you're at it check out this comic I've started watching:

Someone in this world wants my advice for some reason

2009-08-31T18:56:00Z

Posted By: Joe

Please send all questions to joe@freebeerandhotwings.com
I will answer questions in any order I choose, or not at all.

----- Original Message -----
To: askjoe@FreeBeerAndHotWings.com
Sent: Wednesday, August 12, 2009 7:12:34 PM GMT -05:00 US/Canada Eastern
Subject: Member - Teach me how to not be a FAT ASS.

Hey Joe, first of all love the show man. You guys all do a great job, fuckin' hilarious. Anyways, being big sucks. You obviously remember the hellish times of being a slob. I'm pretty beasty, but on a real note really would love to change my life around. This isn't a joke or anything of that nature...I just would like to know what motivated you into committing yourself to losing the pounds...besides losing crumbs in your moobs...or breathing heavily walking up some stairs. If you have a little time, maybe just tell me how you started your dieting. What worked, what not to do? I don't wanna waste your time and I'm not trying to be dumb...just want an opinion from someone who obviously stepped the fuck up and did something about their problem. Thanks a lot Joe, hope everything goes good for ya buddy.

Hope to hear from you. -Matt

Hey Matt,

What motivated me was just an overall sick of looking like a slob / general unhealthy feeling. It's also pretty gross when, during an awesome sex session, your boobs rubbing against hers looks like a mirror image (the girls I go for look like fat hairy men).

In a way it sucks trying to be healthy way more than being a slob. Eating a whole bag of Totinos pizza rolls while smoking, and playing xbox is so much fun; easier too. For a while I was on a crazy health kick. It is just fucking torture. I would get all fussy and homo-ish if I didn't do one million activities a day. I now have found some sort of balance. Im still a pudgy fucker, but I don't feel quite as pathetic as I did when I couldn't fit into normal pant sizes.

Eating better is the first step. If you were like me you eat lots of everything (including cock. Zing!). That switch in most people that tell them to stop eating because they're full never turns on in us fatties. So pick things you can eat lots of but aren't too bad for you. Salads and shit (not shit literally). Stop eating out completely. I became a vegetarian so that I could immediately cut out most fast food places. It was my twisted way of making it so I would rarely think of going to a greasy fast food place.

Find some sort of activity that you like and can do. I started with rock climbing and biking and worked my way up to running. The more I ran the less I wanted to smoke. So that was kind of cool.

I'm still not super healthy or skinny but it's a definite improvement over being the fat whore I was or you are now.

This should all be followed by don't bother taking my advice because I'm stupid. Instead I will end it with take my advice because I'm super smart and my tit size is smaller than yours

Good luck,

Joe

An open letter to the woman who smashed into the video store while I was there, and a super awesome mini blog.

2009-08-21T18:00:00Z

Posted By: Joe

Dear Bad Driver,

Thank you for being terrible at doing something so easy that they allow sixteen year olds to do it. They don't even allow sixteen year olds to smoke cigarettes or drink beer, and those are two of the easiest things in the world.

You're probably thinking something like "My day is pretty much ruined". Well allow me to turn your frown upside down. You gave me more joy in that one moment than I had felt all day! You made a stranger smile, so congrats to you! My trip to the video store was made a googol times better, and for the rest of the day no, wait, the weekend I will have a little extra pep in my step.

The moral is: Your misery will always make someone's day better. Literally yours... Mine is never funny.

Check out the "Video Store Car Crash" album on the Photos Page for pictures!

Mini Blog: The time I gave my friend the cocksuckiest keep your chin up advice ever

Today a friend of mine told me he was sad for the first time ever today. If you knew Pete you would believe this. I responded with something along the lines of; "Its cool because you will be even happier when you get over it". What a bunch of aids that is. If someone had even thought about telling me that I would have penis punched myself.

Disclaimer: If I'm ever to ram my car through anything it is illegal to read this blog without permission... Just to save time: You do not have permission.

I got a million emails like this today. This is my response

2009-08-11T04:51:00Z

Posted By: Joe

So you know; I don't preach anything. Eating organic is something I believe is better for you. I don't even necessarily eat only organic all the time. I do think that people who eat organic tend to be healthier than people who don't, but that may just be the mind state of that type of person.

I don't know for a fact if there's evidence either way because I don't watch movies like this to regurgitate the info as my own argument or to argue anything in general. I just take what I want out of it for myself. The fact is you know as much as me because we both get our info from the same place: Other people.

I don't know why people get so bent out of shape when I say I prefer or think organic foods, locally grown foods, or free range meats not grown with hormones and crazy amounts of antibiotics are better for you. I don't care when anyone else says what they prefer their diet to be. That would be a stupid waste of time.

I'm not going to watch the video because I don't care. If its hilarious it will go viral and then I will see it. Thanks though.

Joe

The Free Beer & Hot Wings Show

> Date: Mon, 10 Aug 2009 14:17:23 -0700
> From: Jason W
> To: askshow@FreeBeerAndHotWings.com
> Subject: Member - organic food is bullshit
>
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sWxl05cCA88
>
> this follows joe's food inc. obsession. there is no proof that organic is any better. watch the whole segment. hippies freak out about how much better the organic bananas taste rather than the genetically modified (even though the bananas were just halves of the same banana)
>
> i however do not agree with the patenting of seeds. (they are actually patenting DNA of plants) this is eliminating diversity in immunities/anti-bodies in our crops. through the same logic, you could technically patent human DNA.
>
> Jason W

Road Rage Hypocrite

2009-08-07T21:46:00Z

Posted By: Producer Joe

I get soooo pissed when I drive. As calm as I am most of the time I find great fun in swearing loudly at every single person (though not actually at them because I'm a pussy) on the road that doesn't have my agenda in mind... This obviously is everyone who isn't me.

Yesterday I had a horrible self realization that I am a complete hypocrite. This is something I strive not to be in every other facet of my life. So it sucks to admit this.
This came about when I drove up to what turned out to be a massive row of cars going the same direction as me. This by the way was the only lane that was going to take all of us to the expressway. This also by the way was the very moment that I decide to make my way out of this lane and into the left lane which ends up as a left turn only lane.

I sped past 30 or so cars to the intersection. It was at this point that I did what I did every time I pull a weasel move on the road. I looked around confused - I'm sure no one even looked at me at this point - as if to say "oh shoot; I've driven to the front of the wrong lane" or "I had no idea this was a left turn only lane because I've never gone this route before". These are both unspoken lies that I have just conveyed to all - no one - with retarded facial expressions.

I click my turn signal lever to the left. I look back to see if anyone notices the horrible mistake I've made and that I want their help in trying to correct it by letting me in. The light turns green and two cars and a truck speed past quickly. I imagine them saying fuck you and I get pissed! How can these assholes be such dicks to a guy who made an honest mistake! They didn't know that I drive this way every single day.

Since I snuck in right after them and before a slow mover I'm at this point right next to one of the guys who wouldn't let me in. I give him death stare, but the smug jerk wont even look at me. This is as far as this all went. No fingers or yelling... No running each other into a ditch either. I'm not that crazy.

So although I realize how dickish this all is I don't know that I can fix it. Wait I meant I know that I can fix it, but I wont. That would mean leaving early and being prepared. The weasel in me says screw that and who am I to argue with that.

I do weird things for fun

2009-07-27T23:04:00Z

Posted By: Joe

Today I talked on air about how after getting an email from my roommate while on vacation letting me know she was splitting, I went to work on a not so elaborate plan to beat her to the punch.

First let me tell you in a nutshell why I was so pissed: I hated the apartment I was living in. Though I hated it, I stuck around because despite having no lease tying me to the apartment, I promised her that I would live there for at least the year and that
there was no need to worry about me picking up and taking off. It's not really the breaking of a promise to stick around that I'm pissed about either.

So, you would think that because I hated living there this is a good thing. Well it is... Kind of. I do get to move away, so that's cool. The reason I feel shafted is because when splitting up utilities, I got satellite and internet. I signed a years contract tying me to these two things. She got the easy to cancel heat and electric.

Of course surely she would offer to pay for half till I figured it out or the year was up. It could have easily been her that got this end of the deal. No offer yet. Not that I would believe her had she said anything other than I will pay half and put them in my name.

So that was a little bit of a ramble but you get the idea. I was being sexed in the butt!

I was especially pissed about this because the news came in the form of a facebook message while I was in Costa Rica... Very grown up of her. Now instead of enjoying my vacation care free, I had to go on knowing that I would have to scramble for a place to move or find a roommate.

My not elaborate plan was super simple - or not elaborate.

I would find a place and move out piece by piece. First my room. The door is always closed so this would be simple. I followed that by removing books and movies little by little from shelves. I sold lamps that I didn't want anymore. My couches went out via sale to craigslist buyer too.

I made a checklist of all the things in my house that were mine and their exact location.

This would be for the day I would choose to wait for her to go to work, come in with a truck and take everything that remained. She would return to an empty house! This though made me happy and is exactly why I was doing it this way.

The end of the month nears and I get a text from her. Are you moving out at the end of this month instead of next? I don't respond. I miss a call from her with no voice mail. I don't respond.

I don't respond because I know that less than 24 hours from this time, I will never see her again. Tomorrow at three she would be working and I would pick up the truck I had reserved.

We swept in and quickly loaded the truck. Within 30 minutes, there was no sign in this house that I had ever lived there.

It was an awesome feeling. I loved it!

Everyone was always curious about one thing. Why? Why make everything so complicated and weird?

Answer: Because even if she had come home to empty house and thought nothing of it, even if this had ruined no part of her day (which it probably didn't), even if she didn't end up being on the hook for the full months rent or didn't mind having no cable and no internet, I didn't care. This made every single day since the end of my vacation
really fun.

Had she just come up to me and said "Are you moving out?" or been home the day I planned to move, I would have just said simply; "I'm moving, see ya". That's not fun though.

Sometimes I do weird things that don't make as much sense as just tackling them head on. I like it this way and don't really plan on changing anytime soon.

Why is this being sent to me

2009-06-29T18:04:00Z

Posted By: Joe

In the past week I have had these texts sent my way:

Ed McMahon died
Farrah Fawcett Died
Michael Jackson Died
Billy Mays Died

One of these things doesn't belong... Hell three of these things don't belong. I cared as much about Farrah and Ed as I did about Billy.

When Steve sent me a text saying Billy Mays had died I replied with: Who? Please don't misunderstand I feel terrible for his family. Probably as terrible as his family would feel for me if someone in my family died. Really though, he was a guy who was on like four infomercials. Should that really be a headline? Did I have to know this asap like it was important breaking news?

I want a text only if the person had talent or went off the deep end.

Rules for texting dead people names to me:

Black pop sensation turned white pedophile drug addict - Good
Some guy on commercial - bad

Why is this being sent to me

2009-06-29T18:04:00Z

Why is this being sent to me

2009-06-29T18:04:00Z

My buddy and me

2009-06-18T21:04:00Z

Posted By: Joe

After all sorts of meetings. After gathering together paperwork. After proving I'm not a molester Sunday I'll hang out with my little brother.

Not really mine in a related way. For some reason a month or more ago I was inspired to volunteer for Big Brothers Big Sisters. I guess I wanted to try something genuinely nice since I've made it my goal in life to make fun of everybody. Kind of like paying some dues so I can continue pretending to barf when I see a fat person on tv.

The process seemed kind of long at the time, but now that everything is out of the way and they've turned me loose it went by way fast.

I've met my "little" (that what they're called. How retarded!) twice now and he seems like a cool not weinery kid. The possibility of him turning out to be a weird douche makes me nervous. And then the though of being stuck scraping boogers off my car door for a year kicks in... Oh no

To top all of those thoughts off I just went through a packet they provided that is also making me freak out a little. The packet features scenarios of things that can go wrong. Like what if we're in a movie and he starts spazzing out. I don't know what to do! My brain says stick your wallet in his mouth and hit him like a copier till he's fixed.

Of course I'm kidding about that (I feel like this has to be stated before anyone goes nuts over that joke). Like I said I've met him twice and he's way laid back and cool.

All of this is serious on a certain level, but the excitement I feel to start something awesome and new like this easily trumps nervousness. My thoughts that this will be a totally sweet experience trump nerves too. This will be cool.

If nothing else comes from this at least there will be someone who can carry on my legacy of drawing dicks on everything

Have you ever done this

2009-06-05T04:03:00Z

Posted By: Joe

This is more of a quick thought and a question than a real blog.

Today I talked about selling off all my furniture. I don't know why this popped into my brain all of a sudden, but it's not going away. I'm actually disgusted when I walk into my living room and look at all this stuff! Why the hell did I spend the last our years gathering all this stuff only to want less of it now... I'm stupid!

Has anyone reading this gone through with an insane thought like this?

Why do I hate live music?

2009-04-24T01:21:00Z

Posted By: Producer Joe

Why do I hate live music? Kind of...

Not all live music. Just most it seems nowadays.

I just took a look at the lineup for a few festivals coming up this summer amongst them was Bonnaroo in TN. I mention this specifically because it has to be the greatest lineup of bands I ever seen. The Beastie Boys are my all time favorites, and phish shows are the best. Tons of my friends have gone to Bonnaroo a bunch of times, and everyone always has a blast. I on the other hand have always declined and probably wont go this year either despite the awesomeness of the bands.

I'm a festival curmudgeon now.

One more note on it: Jimmy Fallon will be there. Why the F is Jimmy Fallon going to be there? Hasn't anyone told them that he blows and no one likes him?

Skydiving

2009-04-24T01:19:00Z

Posted By: Producer Joe

So maybe this is my once a year blog when I look out at the sky, see blue, and decide I want to jump out an airplane again. Then you will hear nothing else about it till next year after I puss out all summer.

Here's a little background for those who hadn't heard: Before getting into radio I was well on my way to becoming a professional skydiver. I had a little under 100 jumps under my belt when I had a bad jump that kept me away from it. As of today I haven't jumped out of a plane since 2002.

Actually though, I think this year may be different. I've been in touch with the people at my local drop zone. We talked about the things I would have to do to get back up there. I have also been in touch with my old skydive partner who now does it for a living in Hawaii. Just talking to him about what paradise looks like from 15,000 feet while skydiving gets me excited for this... On the other hand my palms sweat at that same thought.

We'll see.