Hot Wings

Less Than A Week, Now

2009-08-05T18:56:00Z

It's been awhile since I actually sat down to write a blog, but the same thing is still on my mind as it was before...becoming a dad! Less than a week now and all preparations have been made. The crib is ready, the nursery is spotless, the car seat is in. We're good. Now, we just need a kid! Getting to this point, though has been a trip. I was aware of the concept of pregnant women 'nesting', but I had no idea that it would be so much work for me. I believe the only thing I haven't been asked to do is to clean the window tracks with a toothbrush or to clean my own car. I think she's also using it as an excuse just to get me to get rid of things she doesn't like, like this goofy old table I have that looks like a tree and a CD rack I built that has been relocated to the garage and become a catch-all for various lawn items like sprinkler heads and jugs of Round-Up. But she's smart. I can't tell her 'no' right now. She's pregnant! So good-bye dopey looking tree table. Good-bye CD rack. Hello vacuuming everyday! Hello hanging window treatments. I don't really care, though, 'cause I enjoy having a clean and organized house. I'd like it better if someone else was doing the work, but for some reason 39-weeks along, Kerri doesn't think she should be carrying a 30 pound Dyson up and down the stairs. Anyway, it's all worth it, 'cause I'll have a son at this time next week!

Kerri's Moving Belly

2009-06-18T22:38:00Z

I'll tell ya what's crazy. Seeing your wife's stomach undulate and pulsate! That is weird as hell. We're down to just over 8 weeks before the baby arrives and since I'm new to this experience, wild and inexplicable things happen every day. Now, I've seen her belly move before, but only a little bit. Not that he hasn't kicked up a storm before, but every time Kerri tells me to 'look', he stops. It's actually uncanny...and a little annoying. But today, he was going bananas and the movement was accentuated by the contrast of her stomach against the black leather of my 15-year-old nappin' couch. I can't believe my wife has a person in there. The rampant uterus punching was well-timed as the crib and changing table arrived today. Well, technically, I had to go pick it up, but anyway, it's at the house now. Normally, I wouldn't get too excited about having to put furniture together or move stuff from one room to another to make space for slightly smaller furniture, but I'm cool with this because it's kind of the only real way for me to participate. I am in full-on construction mode. Anyway, back to Kerri's belly. I could watch it for hours. Like television! It's the best reality show I can think of.

Baby Shower

2009-06-08T01:12:00Z

So, this weekend Kerri and I had a couples' baby shower at my parents' house and just about every time we opened something I had to ask her if we registered for it. Some things are obvious and I had a hand in the registering, like a high chair. I know we need one of those and I know we registered for it. But she registered for some other stuff when I wasn't around, like this Diaper Genie thing. It's supposed to suppress the stink of a meaty soiling, but to me it just looks like a garbage can you throw used diapers into. I'm told, by all recent moms, that thinking that makes me an idiot because it's so much better than just a stupid, old garbage can, but I don't know. Perhaps when I put it together, I'll drop a mean coiler in there and test it out. I also don't understand the baby wipe warmer. Is room temperature that bad? Then again, I like a hot towel on my face so why wouldn't my son like a hot butt wipe on his pucker? Hell, maybe I'll start using 'em. Might be just the thing for those times when the peanut butter is really stuck in the carpet. Overall, it was a pretty fun day. Almost everyone we care about was there, plus we got a bunch of gifts and didn't have to bring any for anyone else! I already want another kid, 'cause now that we have a lot of the basics for quality baby raising, I could theoretically register for nail guns and truck accessories and stuff. That'd be sweet. First things first, though.

Chinese Car Names

2009-06-06T01:58:00Z

I was just looking at my favorite car blog www.jalopnik.com and came across a list of the top 10 Chinese car names. Now, if you've ever heard me after attending an auto show, you know I am a big fan of the way the Chinese name and describe their "cars", so I thought I'd share them with you. You can see the pics on their website. They're worth seeing.

10) Geely Beauty Leopard. Neither beautiful or graceful like an actual leopard, but it does have gargantuan headlights and awful body graphics.

9) Dongfeng EQ7240BP. Apparently, an actual name couldn't begin to easily describe how ugly this car is so they just threw some letters and numbers together. They clearly thought that anything on a regular car would look better in double or triple on this car.

8) Chery Eastar. I think it's pronounced "Cherry Easter". I don't know what it means, but the back end sure looks like a Volvo and if one is ever crucified, I hope no one resurrects it.

7) Huanghai Faster. It may be faster than walking, but that's probably about it. Also, I think somebody's been hanging out on Pontiac's website.

6) Geely PU Rural Nanny. The ugliest interpretation of an El Camino ever designed to care of the kids of Chinese hillbillies...or something.

5) Trifun Trike. TRY to have FUN in this weird delivery van just before it tips over and you die.

4) Geely King Kong. Maybe you could get away with nicknaming a HUMMER "King Kong", but it doesn't make much sense on a car that's the size and shape of a Nissan Versa.

3) Tang Hau Book of Songs. One of my favorites from last year's North American International Auto Show in Detroit. It looks like a really big version of a really small penis and testicles. Goldmember would like it.

2) Dongfeng Crazy Soldier. An exact copy of a HUMMER H1, except that the mechanicals are crafted from the bones of dissidents instead of aluminum.

1) Tang Hau Detroit Fish. Also from last year's NAIAS. Indescribable

"Property Of" Shirts

2009-06-04T01:56:00Z

I was just at the grocery store and saw somebody wearing a shirt that said, "Property of ***** Athletic Department." Now, people have been wearing shirts like this forever and I never really thought much about it, but it struck me funny this time because it was a really overweight, 30-something woman who was about 5'4" and had a basket holding marshmallows and Coke. I'd appreciate it if I thought she was going for irony, but I don't think she was. Actually, I appreciated it anyway because I am a jerk who finds pleasure in the unintended hilarity of mismatches like dumpy broads in athletic shirts. Kind of like when you see a 7-footer climb out of puny car or a huge, frightening guy with a full beard who plays the piccolo in a marching band. Or me...holding a dumbbell. I love that stuff. Except the last thing. That hurts. Literally. My arms are weak.